Working with Emotions

Someone "flipped me the bird" last week. As I rolled up to a red light in the left turn lane, they drove by me with an empathetic middle finger out the window. I had not cut them off. I had not tailgaited. The worse I could come up with is that I drove the speed limit while they were behind me. In any case, nothing to justify mean-spirited aggression, in my opinion.

Up until that moment, I was enjoying a peaceful Sunday drive with my wife, taking in a warm sunrise and conversation. But now, now I was angry. I felt the injustice of being assaulted for no apparent reason. I felt indignation toward impatience and egoism. I stared at him, sarcastically wondering how I ruined his day by adding 30 seconds to his commute. My mind was white hot. For the next few hours, my mood sullen, my mind just kept coming back and stoking the flames.

Can you relate to a similar experience in your life?

This morning, I rushed to the bus stop, literally ran. Earlier, my 39 week pregnant wife was having a rough morning, so I took time out of my routine to be with her. Then, a breakfast wolfed down, brushing my teeth while tying my shoes, and the sprint out the door. As I stood waiting for the walk signal to cross the road to my stop, the bus rolled past me,three minutes early. "Ughh...really?!?" Now I was going to be late for work. "Why was the bus early?" I asked the question aloud numerous times - to no one in particular - as impatiently waited for the next bus, my sense of stress building.

Emotions - especially negative ones - have an intense gravity drawing the focus of our mind.

Perhaps you have experienced strong negative emotions at times in college. You may have stood in line for an hour only to be told that you need to go online to complete a form first. You may have studied hard for a test only to fail. You may have dropped your courses because your employer changed your schedule, or you did not have financial aid to buy textbooks, or were advised to take the wrong courses.

At the striking of the iron, emotions are authentic. That is, we do not choose to be upset by a perceived injustice, we just are. We do not choose to feel stressed by a bad grade, that is just how we feel. We do not choose to smile when we see a good friend, we just do. At its origin, an emotion simply is.

However, emotions often take on a life all their own, do they not? When I chose to hold on to my anger after being flipped off, that feeling took over, leaving me short with my wife, unappreciative of the rising sun, and drawing my energy away from other things that I had planned that morning. All of those negative repercussions were my responsibility. The irritating driver had long since driven away and surely had long forgotten the morning's altercation.

The practice of mindfulness involves intentionally choosing what to focus on. When we cultivate a moment to pause and take a deep breath, we create a small gap in our stream of consciousness. This gap is an opportunity regain control over the mind's focus. It is an opportunity to intentionally choose how to respond to the original circumstance that sparked our emotions.

It is called practice, because it does indeed take time to assert intention upon the focus of our active minds. It takes sustained effort to build up the ability to pause and take a deep breath. It takes consistent skill development to train our mind to remain focused on the immediate situation, as it is.

Long story short, the next time you feel a strong upswelling of emotion, pause and take a deep breath. Recognize the emotion as authentic. At the same time, recognize your power to choose how to respond. Pause and take another deep breath. Look deeper at the situation, including what brought it about. Pay attention to what thoughts and feelings give rise within you. You are now prepared to take intentional mindful action.