Working with Others

Whether collaborating on a group project, working with an instructor, or participating in an internship, the importance of being attentive to relationships and emotions cannot be understated. As long as we are interacting with humans, and not robots, this will remain imperative to the work we do.

It is plain to say that some people we more naturally relate with and understand, and others less so. This comes about through varying personalities, shared and divergent experiences, similar and different emotional profiles, and so on. For example, as an advisor, I often times work with a student older and more experienced than myself, or a student with eight times the street cred, or a student with a chip on their shoulder, or a student coming from a very different place. Yet it is contingent upon me to establish trusting relationships and a genuine emotional connection with each individual, regardless of the ease or difficulty of doing so.

Growing up, I remember my dad reading the newspaper every night. However, he only had one book in his library: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. From a young age, I was captivated by this book: I loved all the books in my own burgeoning library, and thus was very curious about the singular tome in my father's; even more so, the title of the book always struck me as odd. Out of serendipity, I recently cross paths with this book again, 20 years later. Out of sheer curiosity, I decided to give it a go.

A classic text first penned in the 1930's, How to Win Friends and Influence People had sold 15 million copies by 1981, while being translated into nearly every written language in the world. So the jacket informed me, as I turned the book over in my hands. Still, I could not see the title as anything other than a euphemism for How to Manipulate People and Get Your Way. Just as before, it seemed a strange topic.

To my surprise, though, there are many interesting and good strategies outlined in the book (sprinkled between plenty of cultural anachronisms - interesting in themselves). Certainly, one could use these strategies to manipulate people and get your way. But just the same, one could use these strategies to show genuine interest in others and expand your circle of concern. The underlying objective depends on the current status of your ego. The Jedi Force is used for both good and evil.

The grand strategy outlined by Carnegie - translated into contemporary language - is to value people and honor their contributions. When we escape our own narrow concerns, and go out of our way to truly listen to what others say and feel, then we can establish a strong foundation for partnering toward shared outcomes.

For example, when working with a colleague, I always start by asking questions, listening, and learning as much as I can about the other person's contributions. I make it a point to affirm the strengths that I hear in their ideas. I tune in to the their emotions, and attempt to put myself in their shoes. I am mindful of checking my own judgments, and open myself to the vibrancy and perspective of the person sitting across from me.

Consequently, the foundation of our working relationship is built on trust and understanding. In a strategic sense, this certainly makes our collaboration all the more effective.

In my view, though, it is more than just influencing another person.  By being true to the process, and allowing for it to reciprocate, then you too are being influenced by another person. And through such a process, we too grow - in our role as collaborators, in our role as people. When we open to this process, then we truly are genuine.